Good bye May 2012

Life moves too fast sometimes.  It’s becoming a common theme as we move forward and that knowledge is sometimes enough to bring tears to my eyes. 

Payton is 10 months old today and it’s a reminder that there are so many moments that are incredibly precious and no matter how hard we try, we can’t hold on to them forever.  You do what you can to cherish them but there is nothing that you can do to keep them.  I vaguely remember what it felt like holding Livy close and smelling her head when she was an infant sleeping.  When she would cuddle into my arms and give in to that trust and warmth.  Payton does it and that is what allows me to remember those special moments with Olivia…but I know that my time with Payton is limited too.  She’s growing up and doing it fast.

Writing this I can feel the tears swell as I imagine my girls being young adults and it seems like its just around the corner.  Then I have to remind myself that they are still young, one 2 and the other less than a year…still, a part of me recognizes the lack of control we have with life and the fact that this beautiful time in our lives won’t last forever.  It may stay beautiful, but it will be a different kind of beauty and I already somewhat mourn the loss of what we have now.

On Saturday I officially deemed Payton to be standing. She’s not great at it (as is expected when someone is learning something so significant for the 1^st time) but she’s working hard and knows she’s making progress.  I believe her maximum time doing it is about 10 seconds.  The clincher though isn’t the length of time she’s standing but that she’s pulling herself up and instantly letting go to stand.

She does it more on the grass (or in our bed in the mornings) fully aware that the landing is softer than on the hardwood floors (smart little girl) and because its softer, she’s fearless on the grass.
She’s also finally figured out the walking part, that putting one foot in front of the other results in forward motion. She’s pretty wabbly (and only does it when we’re holding on to her hand) but I remember Livy at this stage thinking it was going to be a while before she was able to walk on her own but then to my surprise she figured it out quick.  A matter of a few weeks.

We continue to feel incredibly lucky that Payton is developing without any delays.  I was so prepared for challenges when we learned about her defect and it never escapes me knowing how fortunate we are that she’s as close to normal as she can be considering she sports several scars on her body including one that covers more than half her abdomen (please know that I use the word ‘normal’ as a comparison to a non CDH baby and not meant to describe Payton  or any other CDH baby as abnormal, though technically a hole in the diaphragm is abnormal in the true sense of the definition.  Still, anyone with sensitivities to the use of the word normal vs not normal isn’t meant to be negative, rather descriptive for simplicity sake). 
ie:

Normal: (noun) typical state or condition.

Abnormal: (noun) Deviating from what is normal or usual, typically in a way that is undesirable. (and I’m assuming if given the chance no parent would choose CDH for their child so I think its safe to say CDH is an undesirable condition).

I remember wondering about Payton’s future and reading about other parents who described their CDH babies as “just like any baby” but seemingly always with a disclaimer of “slightly delayed” or “adapts so well she/he is just like a non-CDH baby”. I always wondered whether it was simply their “new normal” or whether indeed life with a CDH survivor did it eventually sort itself out (for the majority of CDH survivours) to be exactly like everyone else or where there always something somewhere (outside of the scars) that indicated such a tough start for these little ones. 

For anyone who’s expecting a CDH baby and wonders if there is potential for their child to develop at a level that is normally expected for children not born with a life threatening defect, there is.  The only thing that I can see different about Payton from Olivia is her scar and while I know that not every CDH baby is as fortunate to be doing so well so early in their life, sometimes life throws us that ‘good’ curve and we get to go through the normal motions with an awareness that normalcy is pretty darn incredible. 

Livy continues to be a treasure and her brilliant little mind continues to make my heart hurt (in the way only too much love and pride can do). 

Yesterday Olivia was helping me in the yard (we’re pouring more concrete and building a fence on our front yard and I’ve been building the concrete forms) and she would follow behind me picking up (or spilling) drill bits, screws or the tape measure.  Her little plastic red car got in on the action and by the end of the day her car was the mode of transport for the random drill bit (that she confiscated from the box) and the tape measure.  I LOVE seeing how her little mind thinks things through.

On another note, we’ve regressed with the potty training.  After weeks of no issues she’s been having ‘accidents’ though I don’t think we should call them accidents since she’s doing it on purpose.  I believe its an attention attempt since we usually make such a big deal out of her peeing herself (and the fact that she’s more and more wanting “up” or cuddles).  So now, peeing one’s self is low attention, peeing in the toilet is a big deal. We’ll be introducing a reward system soon so that she can see that she gets special treatment when she does it right.  I think this all started around my last work trip in mid May so its very possible that my working so much, traveling is impacting her.  It also may simply be a stage, especially with a younger sibling. 

In closing I’ll include a few photos of the girls.