To Clarify...(ha, yes, you guessed it, rant continued but explained)

I think its important that I mention my ‘rant’ from the other day is not directed at any one person’s thoughts, comments or actions.  It was triggered by something I read that stayed with me long enough to bother me and make me realize that its an important enough issue to blog about.  I felt compelled to express my voice on this topic because by being silent, it had the potential to continue causing hurt to those in the trenches who were struggling and didn’t have the strength to voice their pain.

I remember that pain and I remember being silent then because I didn’t want to be the ‘bitter, grieving mother who couldn’t sympathize with others who were maybe struggling’.  But now I’m in a better place and I feel that now I’m strong enough to carry the bad rap that my thoughts may bring.  I’ll happily be called ‘bitter’ if it saves one hurting woman the burden of having to hear how hard someone else has it because they have to feel bad about being on the right side of life's statistics.

My thoughts are not directed at ONE person.  The blog post was simply the result of reading one comment too many (even though that comment was NOT intended to be malicious and was delivered by someone who had an incredible capacity to reach out to others and is doing what they can to help minimize other's pain).  My post was to educate.  Much like that list that is available: What to say/do and not say/not do to someone who has lost a child.  For many people they just don’t understand why or when their words have the potential to hurt.  

These thoughts of Survivors Guilt (even though they are NOT intended) have the potential to hurt.  I know because I’ve heard these types of thoughts for YEARS.  Years of hearing how hard it is for others who have ‘won’ in the game of life's statistics because they have a hard time enjoying their good fortune because others ‘ruin’ it for them (in not so many words but I hope you get my point). 

I had one friend tell me how bad she felt because she had an abortion earlier in life and now years later she had a baby who was alive and healthy while mine were dead (SERIOUSLY?).  I’ve heard through 3^rd parties how hard it is for other mom’s to be around me (in earlier years) because they felt guilty.  I’ve been on grief support boards where women of healthy children have commented on how hard it is to see others suffer and they feel so guilty (I’m not sure what they were looking to gain on this one when they come to a support group of grieving women). 

A week ago I was with friends in an area where there were a number of very disadvantaged, likely homeless people (of varying degrees).  One of my friends mentioned that she had a hard time being there and needed to leave, that was too hard on her to see people struggling so much.  I’m sure in her mind she perceived herself to be someone who has a big heart.  To others who are also fortunate I’m sure the exact same thoughts were shared “She’s sensitive to their plight so it’s hard for her”.  I believe that the world is full of really crappy things and avoiding it (especially if it makes you feel bad) only does those who are faced with the crap a huge injustice. How do we know the depth of pain if we avoid facing it because it makes us uncomfortable.  Too often we avoid acknowledging them and sweep them to the back because they make us feel uncomfortable”.   When someone’s disadvantage makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t avoid and please, don't turn it around and make it about you.

Another example of this was when I was pregnant with Payton and we learned of her defect and started better understanding the risks associated with the pregnancy complications.  I left an online pregnancy support board because I made other pregnant women uncomfortable.  In a time I needed support the most was when those who had it "all" deserted me because my journey was too hard for them.   I’d rather be faced with Survivors Guilt then that feeling of being shunned. I can still remember bawling my eyes out because my shitty world didn’t just end with my problems but now I was making others feel bad and was being rejected for something beyond my control.  You want “Ouch”, walk a mile in those shoes.

If you feel Survivors Guilt, that’s normal.  We all do on some level, at some time whether it’s walking down the street and seeing a homeless person, talking to a friend faced with a terminal disease, or a friend who has faced the unimaginable: the loss of a child.  Just don't take someone elses misfortune and turn it around and make it about yourself.  Ask for support and sympathy for problems you ARE dealing with...not support and sympathy for problems based on others misfortune.

So, my words of advice, my thoughts, my point of view (aka my blog) for those reading who do want be sensitive to those less fortunate.  Be a friend, be supportive and keep it about those less fortunate and then celebrate your blessings because you just never know when your fortune may change and those moments of bliss may have been wasted.  Do what you can to embrace the joy and never forget how wonderful that joy is.