A walk down memory lane

Next week Dwayne and I are planning on attending a BBQ being held by the fertility clinic that aided us in creating Payton (or perhaps we should say that we aided them?.?.).

Its definitely a walk down memory lane since its been about a year now that I stopped spending much time dwelling on issues of infertility. 

I may have gotten to this point naturally but my pregnancy complications and Payton's rough start definitely solidified the fact that our family is complete (or as complete as it will be using artificial means since I would happily welcome one of those 'ops' pregnancies if it were possible...but I digress).

Last week when I recieved the invite to the BBQ it brought with it a slew of emotions about a part of my life that I had closed the doors on.  Most importantly, it brought with it a refreshing moment of knowing that life for us was PERFECT.  That the memories the clinic and what it represents were no longer coated in aprehension and a thin layer of fear & loathing; just a calm I didn't know actually existed (up until that moment I thought there was a good possiblity that my feeling of completeness was artificial and masked by the chaos that is now our lives with 2 full time working and highly active parents).

On some level, attending this BBQ I feel like a fraud because infertility no longer rules my emotions, my finances and my schedule for the next 3, 6 or 12 months.  It was actaully for this reason that I felt that I wanted to attend.  Because attendance likely wouldn't bring with it any negative emotions.

Next week I'll get to see some familar faces (faces of other mothers) and meet some new ones (chubby faces that bare a striking resemblance to some familar faces).   It will be a bittersweet combination I'm sure of those of us who have fully crossed over mingling with those who have one foot over, the other foot still lingering in the hopes of being the one to choose when their family building is complete rather than some other force doing so, and finally a mixture of those still eagerly (or not so eagerly if they've been at it a while) waiting. 

I'm intrigued by this opportunity to re-visit my past, but only because I now know what our end game looks like.  Call me a coward (because that's exactly what I am and the exact reason that I wasn't able to attend this last year) but I am a content coward and for now, that's good enough for now. 

I can always hope that by next year I'll progress even more.