I read something today that I felt strongly enough about that I needed to blog about it. A part of the reason I want to blog is to be a voice (admittedly I'm being a voice in a passive aggressive manner because I didn't address the comments directly, instead I'm addressing them on my own blog).
I'm indirectly responding to a mother's post regarding survivors guilt. A mother of a surviving CDH baby and when reading it it struck a cord.
Survivor's guilt. I know its real and to escape the feeling fully is impossible, but blogging about it and publically posting it is crap and it is selfish. Plain and simple. Its publically taking someone elses horror and bringing the focus and sympathy back to the person who hasn't lived the horror. If you think being a survivor makes you feel like crap, how do you think the loved ones feel about actually living it? Pretty darn bad so suck it up cupcake and stop making someone elses pain "all about you" for public sympathy.
Ok, the rant part over. Here comes the Devil's advocate to the survivors guilt.
Life is unfair (unless you are one to believe that God has choosen a path of pain for you and you find comfort that he's testing you more than the next person...which I don't fully understand the reasoning behind but I believe I posted my thoughts on the concept that "God chooses to bless some, crap on others and all the while we still individually believe he's chosen us to be the lucky one" theory. Thats a different blog post...
Where was I? Oh yes, life is unfair. Those of us who have lived the crappy stuff, we know life is unfair. We know it sucks. If you happen to be a survivor of the same ailment that caused our own crappy times I have news for you...we don't blame you AND, most importantly you don't remind us of what we lost, that part is hard to forget and your presence isn't what may cause us to cry...its the fact that we lived a really crappy situation and THAT'S making us cry.
As a person who's lived through a crappy situation (or two) I can tell you that the only thing that annoys me more than the mother who says "maybe you just weren't meant to be a parent (which is why x,y,z all happend)" is the person who says "oh, I'm so sorry if my good fortune makes your bad fortune so much worse, but if you feel bad, imagine how bad I feel knowing I make you feel bad". Seriously??? How did my grief, pain and problems become all about YOU!!! (oh, wait, I said my rant was over didn't I??).
Here's the skinny. If you are a mother and your child survived while another mother's baby didn't, the best comfort you offer is a genuine "I'm sorry for your loss". Then hold your children tight and love them with every ounce of your being and never forget how precious life is.
As mentioned previously, I know survivor guilt is real. I know that no matter how much you try, you are going to feel how you are going to feel. The only thing I can say it please, don't make someone elses pain all about you and don't do it publically with the potential goal of gaining sympathy (especially in a forum where those less fortunate than you may read about it).
As always, these thoughts are mine. You don't have to agree but hey, it is my blog...
5 comments:
Ouch!!
OUCH!!
Renee, I know what you are saying here. I don't have survivor's guilt because Sam made it - I don't know why. I feel grateful that he is here and sad for the other babies who aren't. Each loss touches me deeply and I feel great empathy for those families. But I know that it is not my fault, that they didn't die so that Samuel could live, that I didn't do anything to make my situation turn out "better" (or worse, for that matter) than someone elses. So I resonate with your message here.
Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. I know it touched a button for you and I always appreciate honesty, and people expressing their feelings without having to suggest that everyone feels that way.
Hugs to Payton and her mama. :)
Corinne
Corinne - I'm glad your proud of Sam. You should be. He is a little miracle and each moment, day, year you have should be filled with nothing but joy.
To Anonymous: I know my words have the potential to hurt. I never said feeling Survivors guilt was wrong. I only said expressing it in a manner that's sure to be seen by others who have not been fortunate is not right. I know what its like to be 'shunned' by those who avoid me because of survivors guilt and I know what its like to be the mom who walks away with a live baby in her arms while others are mourning. I can only say that the latter is MUCH easier than the former. I can also say that causing someone else to live with survivor's guilt (combined with the pain one's already enduring) is hard too.
I often post my thoughts and experiences not because I believe I'm always right but because I have lived experiences that have given me a perspective that others may not have. If those experiences can save someone who's hurting even more pain than I'll do it even if it means making someone who's experiening their own issues a little bit of uncomfortableness.
Renee
Well said Renee.
Helen
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