Its an Enigma

It dawned on me today that its true. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time really does make a difference (and all this time I though it was simply enough to be in the right place but at the wrong time...).

Dealing with another high-risk pregnancy brings with it stark reminders of what our last high-risk pregnancy was all about. It also forces you to relive many of the aspects surrounding the entire pregnancy. And in the end, it got me to thinking, if we just switched around the issues, we would have had at least one healthy baby out of it all.

You see, the twin pregnancy had the complication of pPROM (the ruptured membrane). That rupture obviously jeopardized the entire pregnancy because of the increased risk of infection (which in the end is what triggered labour). With CDH, the baby is exceptionally healthy until he/she needs to breath on their own - thus, its quite common for these pregnancies to go right till term.

Thus, if we switch things up a bit here's what our situation would be:

Healthy Baby Boy (HBB)

pPROM'd Baby Boy (PBB)

CDH Baby Girl (CBG)

Option 1

Twin - HBB & CBG (would have delivered at term, for twins anyway, and we would have had a HBB (healthy baby boy) and NICU time for the CDH Baby Girl (CGB) with 50% survival. 1 survivour (possibly 2 - still to be determined).

Singleton - pPROM baby with infection causing early loss - 0 survivour

OR Option 2

Twin - CBG & PBB (both babies suffering some sort of complication with the pPROM baby causing early labour/delivery - 0 survivors

Singleton - one healthy baby. 1 survivour

Its morbid and senseless thinking I know. I can't change it and I can't rationalize the why's behind it. Like a Rubik Cube I just keep turning this impossible puzzle over and over trying to make sense of how it’s supposed to click into place knowing my superbly normal human abilities simply aren't enough to get the job done with any type of satisfaction.

Instead, the only chance of success is to pull all the little stickers off and re-attach in the completed format (hoping no one will notice that I cheated and that my patchwork is enough in the end).