Ok, so maybe I made a deal with you and it wasn’t fair to say “if you agree don’t say anything”. Still, COME ON!!! When will you stop collecting so many little angels up there?!?! AND, I wish you'd stop trying to collect so many from us!!
I know we’re not alone. Many others have faced losses (hardships) far beyond what any one person should ever have to face. Then there are those who suffer different types of suffering. It doesn’t seem fair does it?
Trying to make sense of it all is enough to leave one certifiable.
Still, I came to my own rationalization (whether right or not) it allowed me to make my peace with God and to accept that he’s not testing me, he’s not punishing me and he doesn’t have a plan. It just is what it is.
I’ve come to accept that God doesn’t choose one person to be blessed by something wonderful only to choose one person to suffer pain. He just lets life happen (the good and bad) and at the end, we can only hope he’s there waiting for us to reminisce about the good times and wipe all the tears caused by the bad.
Miracles – don’t even get me started on miracles!!! If some believe they happen and it makes them feel better (even if those miracles don’t happen to them) then so be it. For me, I choose to believe they don’t exist (besides how many true miracles are there? Really. The definition of a miracle is something that defies all explanation and for the most part, things can be explained, no matter how small the odds are).
And besides, what makes Bob over there so freaken special that he gets one and I don’t?? Ok, so maybe I’m not the pillar of prayer and sinlessness but I do know many ‘good’ people who seriously needed a miracle (or two) and were left high and dry whereas Bob, despite all his partying, drinking and cursing probably wasn’t the most deserving of the Lotto Max $45 Mil.
Praying – much to my mother’s dismay I stopped praying a long time ago (just over 3 years ago to be exact – coincidence?? I think not). Essentially, after my enlightenment of God and the expectations I should (and would now) have of him, it just didn’t seem fair to pray. Afterall, asking for things (even those things with altruistic purposes) are still requests for him to ‘bless’ you – implying that others, somewhere else are less blessed. What gives me the right to ask to be blessed over someone else?
Some may say “You don’t ask God to bless you; you simply thank him for what you do have”. Well, let’s look at what I have. I have my health, I have my daughter, I have my husband, I have my house, vehicles, food on the table, heat and (most) of my bills paid. Yes, it’s wonderful isn’t it. But if I thank God for it, it implies that I’ve been blessed with something and because I know others out there don’t have as much as I have, that implies that I’m more deserving of those thing then they are – and I don’t believe that I am. I believe it is incredibly unfair that there are so many who starve, who are homeless, who don’t have their health or loved ones surrounding them. What makes me so bloody special that I deserve so much and they don’t? Why should I thank God for treating others so unfairly?? After all, isn’t it better serving to God to think less of myself and more of my fellow man? Thus, I should be justly pissed off for humankind in general - With 7 billion people on this earth, I’m inclined to believe that the majority is living with some sort of hardship.
So we go back to my epiphany from a few years ago - Life just happens. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, for some they get a little bit more of the good, others get a little more of the bad. For others it simply sucks (or is simply really, really great). God doesn’t deem one more deserving over the other – he just holds us when our journey here is done and lets us laugh or cry depending on the luck you had.
Still, after all is said and done, I did have a conversation (albeit a bit one-sided) with God and I did strike a deal (sealed when I said that if he agreed he just shouldn’t respond). It seems to me that maybe God was just busy greeting all those happy/sad souls into heaven and missed my memo.
Suffice to say, when I arrive at the pearly gates he better have a lot of Kleenex there for me (preferably with lotion) because I’ve got a lot of crying to do (rest assured, I have a lot of laughing to do too – let’s just hope that in the years to come our pendulum starts to swing a little more in the direction we prefer).
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