Merry Christmas

And boy is it a merry one...for us anyway.

Which brings me to one of the reasons that today (a few days after Christmas) that I decided to finaly post.

Ever since bringing Payton home its been an incredible ride.  Its been so easy to forget what we faced, what we experienced because Payton is so stinking healthy.  She's gaining weight like a champ (moved from the 25th precentile for weight and height in Oct to the 85th percentile in December) and breathing and eating like a normal baby.  Even her hearing seems to be better since we've been working to talk to her a lot, have been taking her to the odd chiropractic appointment (which is touted to helping clear fluid from ears).

Even when I look at her scar its so hard to believe that this defect was so potentially devastating.  I find that I get complacent in my expectations of her and both girls slip into that 'ho hum' of everday life.  But I don't want the ho hum.  I want the appreciation, the moments, the wonder that is our lives and our children to always be there front and centre in my mind and heart.

I want to never under appreciate what we have been given especially in lieu of what we have lost.

Part in parcel is also keeping in our hearts those precious babies that have been so instrumental to our fight with CDH, those precious babies who fought along side of Payton though they lost their battle.  Leaving so many tears in their wake.  Remembering them, remembering our boys, helps me cherish and appreciate our girls.  If even for a second our experiences will allow another parent to hold their child just a little closer, to remind them of how lucky they are, then it makes my writing her worth it.

This Christmas this is what I did.  I appreciated my girls.  I appreciated my husband.  I appreciated my family.  I soaked up every moment of it and am going to cut this blog entry short because I still have a bit more soaking up to do this evening before we put the bug to sleep (its Christmas holidays so bed time is much more flexible here).

In signing here is a photo of us on Christmas morning in our holiday pj's:

A moment to remember

I sit here in Toronto and can't help but miss my girls (and Dwayne).  I love my new job, but like all other issues in my life since June, I'm resentful for anything that takes me away from them. 

But, because I know that being away from them keeps my time with them so incredibly precious, I allow for the distractions and committments... I try to enjoy each moment of those distractions to their fullest in their own way (knowing they pale in comparison to my family) but moments like this, the thoughts of the girls seep into my mind and I miss them dearly.

One thing  that keeps replaying over and over is the feeling both physically and emotionally of Payton when she wakes in the night to feed.  Honestly, while most mothers dread that late night feeding and are looking forward to a full night sleep, its my absolute favourite moment.  The moment when she's full up and I put her to my shoulder to pat her till she burps.  Her little body goes limp against my shoulder and she almosts melts into my arms...absolutely trusting me to hold her close as she drifts back into a deep sleep.  Knowing that I'm missing 2 nights of that causes me to tear up.

Livy too...I'm still a bit giddy that she wakes the odd night needing her mommy to come cuddle with her to put her back to sleep.  She's still facinated with my belly button (and she more often than not digs into it with her finger nail) but its her blankie right now.  A comfort to her and from what I can tell, I'm the only one who provides her that comfort (even if its because its all soft and squishy due to child birth).

I miss my babies and I'm very fortunate that I can capture this feeling (even just a little bit) on here so that one day, when they physically grow out of that baby status, I hope that reading this brings back that feeling I am right now missing and cherishing so much.

An update just because

Our house is crazy right now.  I can't think of how much more crazy we could make it.  Interestingly enough, its working and to be honest, I think Wilma is the glue that keeps it all together.

Two weeks ago I started a new job.  Its full time and I'm back to commuting into the city.  Not unlike the days I spent driving to and from the NICU, only this time its not to see a beautiful little baby.

So far I love the work and the company I'm working for and I know because I love it, that it will be worth it (ie the time away from my babies).

Livy continues to grow like a weed and as of yesterday she's already added 1 cm to her height from November 7th.    She's been bad and touched Opie again and thus, Opie took a bit of a break.

Fortunately, on Sunday we saw Santa (from afar) and Livy asked if he would give Opie her Christmas magic back.  On Monday we recieved a letter in the mail from Santa (no joking):

Opie then returned the next day and Livy has been behaving ever since.

On Sunday Dwayne left town for a week to London.  So many years I've wanted to travel and he chooses the 2nd week I go back to work full time with two small kids at home.  Yup, chaos is our life.

Yesterday the girls, Wilma and I decorated the Christmas tree and Monday we did our lights outside.  We'll wait till Dwayne comes home before we add our special ornaments.  For now the standard bulbs will have to do.

As for Payton, she's continuing to grow well though on Saturday we hit the ER in Squamish when she puked up some blood.  It was old blood and moslty mucusy bile mixed with milk, but it was a forceful puke with a lot of heaving and chocking so certainly not normal. 

Saturday also saw Payton roll over for the 1st (and 2nd and 3rd) time from her front to her back. I'm not sure if she's been doing it more often but we're pretty pleased with her progress.

For now here are some cute pictures of the girls.  We hope to actually sit on Santa's lap this weekend so hopefully there will be more in the near future.