It was 4 years ago today that we said hello and goodbye to them. 4 years ago our lives changed forever as we became parents, a title that after 4 years has resulted in a lot of love, laughter, tears, grey hair and wrinkles. All of which I wear proudly.
Many days through the year I reflect on what our journey has brought us, the boys being very prominent in my thoughts. I wonder how their little sisters will know them. Will they question the emptyness they have left as much as I do. Will they wonder what life would have been like if we had 4 little 4-year old feet running around our home.
In my heart I want to believe had the boys lived we would still have Livy and Payton. In a perfect world, all our children would be here filling our home with noise, chaos, laughter, stress and love.
Today my thoughts are many...too many to put here on this page. They are thoughts of what if's, why's, what is to come and more.
They are thoughts of anger, love, confussion and acceptance.
Sometimes I want to close my eyes and imagine a life where I didn't have to carry the pain of a loss because they are here with us, sometimes I simply want to forget they ever existed, I wonder if I can will the memory of them away. Without their memory that place in my heart wouldn't hurt so damn much.
I'm incredibly thankful for Livy and Payton. They don't take the hurt in my heart away, they simply mask it with so much goodness, the hurt is harder to feel.
Like taking a loud noise in a quiet room...its hard to ignore. Take that same loud noise and put it in a crowd of people, now you only hear it periodically. That is what its like now. Absorbed and living in harmony with the good parts of my life.
And now, another year has gone by. Another year has seperated us from that beautiful but painful day. Another year the crowd has gotten bigger and the painful 'sound' of that loss becomes harder to hear in the crowd.
As we do every year, we measued how tall the girls are (Livy has grown 5 inches since last year) and we take a family snapshot (though this year we took it on Nov 6th because Nov 7th was calling for heavy rains).
6 comments:
Happy birthday to little angels. It's so hard to believe they would be 4 years old. I still think of them and can so vividly remember the dream I had of them hiding on me in the forest and me being so afraid I was going to loose them. I often think of them as being 2 little cherubs getting into trouble together. Dayne & Daniel, you will never be forgotten. Love always, Grandma Helen
I love the picture. The girls are so adorable. I wish I lived closer to be able to spoil them more. Lucky for Mommy & Daddy I'm not.
Love Grandma Helen
I love you guys! Your family is so beautiful - even with two invisible angels in the picture - you are so strong :)
Meg
I love how you put that, with the sound. You give me such hope. Happy Birthday to your little angel boys and your family picture is great!
Such a poignant and accurate description of grief and loss. Thank you Renee, I plan to steal that from you often! :-) Happy Angel-versary
Hello, Reene
God Bless your Baby Boys!! And
You are Blessed with Baby Girls!!
Beautiful Family picture - Olivia looks the same - but grown a bit.
Payton has grown lots - looks different.
Take care, My Dears
Love to All, Auntie Bev
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