To Clarify...(ha, yes, you guessed it, rant continued but explained)

I think its important that I mention my ‘rant’ from the other day is not directed at any one person’s thoughts, comments or actions.  It was triggered by something I read that stayed with me long enough to bother me and make me realize that its an important enough issue to blog about.  I felt compelled to express my voice on this topic because by being silent, it had the potential to continue causing hurt to those in the trenches who were struggling and didn’t have the strength to voice their pain.

I remember that pain and I remember being silent then because I didn’t want to be the ‘bitter, grieving mother who couldn’t sympathize with others who were maybe struggling’.  But now I’m in a better place and I feel that now I’m strong enough to carry the bad rap that my thoughts may bring.  I’ll happily be called ‘bitter’ if it saves one hurting woman the burden of having to hear how hard someone else has it because they have to feel bad about being on the right side of life's statistics.

My thoughts are not directed at ONE person.  The blog post was simply the result of reading one comment too many (even though that comment was NOT intended to be malicious and was delivered by someone who had an incredible capacity to reach out to others and is doing what they can to help minimize other's pain).  My post was to educate.  Much like that list that is available: What to say/do and not say/not do to someone who has lost a child.  For many people they just don’t understand why or when their words have the potential to hurt.  

These thoughts of Survivors Guilt (even though they are NOT intended) have the potential to hurt.  I know because I’ve heard these types of thoughts for YEARS.  Years of hearing how hard it is for others who have ‘won’ in the game of life's statistics because they have a hard time enjoying their good fortune because others ‘ruin’ it for them (in not so many words but I hope you get my point). 

I had one friend tell me how bad she felt because she had an abortion earlier in life and now years later she had a baby who was alive and healthy while mine were dead (SERIOUSLY?).  I’ve heard through 3^rd parties how hard it is for other mom’s to be around me (in earlier years) because they felt guilty.  I’ve been on grief support boards where women of healthy children have commented on how hard it is to see others suffer and they feel so guilty (I’m not sure what they were looking to gain on this one when they come to a support group of grieving women). 

A week ago I was with friends in an area where there were a number of very disadvantaged, likely homeless people (of varying degrees).  One of my friends mentioned that she had a hard time being there and needed to leave, that was too hard on her to see people struggling so much.  I’m sure in her mind she perceived herself to be someone who has a big heart.  To others who are also fortunate I’m sure the exact same thoughts were shared “She’s sensitive to their plight so it’s hard for her”.  I believe that the world is full of really crappy things and avoiding it (especially if it makes you feel bad) only does those who are faced with the crap a huge injustice. How do we know the depth of pain if we avoid facing it because it makes us uncomfortable.  Too often we avoid acknowledging them and sweep them to the back because they make us feel uncomfortable”.   When someone’s disadvantage makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t avoid and please, don't turn it around and make it about you.

Another example of this was when I was pregnant with Payton and we learned of her defect and started better understanding the risks associated with the pregnancy complications.  I left an online pregnancy support board because I made other pregnant women uncomfortable.  In a time I needed support the most was when those who had it "all" deserted me because my journey was too hard for them.   I’d rather be faced with Survivors Guilt then that feeling of being shunned. I can still remember bawling my eyes out because my shitty world didn’t just end with my problems but now I was making others feel bad and was being rejected for something beyond my control.  You want “Ouch”, walk a mile in those shoes.

If you feel Survivors Guilt, that’s normal.  We all do on some level, at some time whether it’s walking down the street and seeing a homeless person, talking to a friend faced with a terminal disease, or a friend who has faced the unimaginable: the loss of a child.  Just don't take someone elses misfortune and turn it around and make it about yourself.  Ask for support and sympathy for problems you ARE dealing with...not support and sympathy for problems based on others misfortune.

So, my words of advice, my thoughts, my point of view (aka my blog) for those reading who do want be sensitive to those less fortunate.  Be a friend, be supportive and keep it about those less fortunate and then celebrate your blessings because you just never know when your fortune may change and those moments of bliss may have been wasted.  Do what you can to embrace the joy and never forget how wonderful that joy is. 

"Survivors Guilt" (a little rant)

I read something today that I felt strongly enough about that I needed to blog about it. A part of the reason I want to blog is to be a voice (admittedly I'm being a voice in a passive aggressive manner because I didn't address the comments directly, instead I'm addressing them on my own blog).

I'm indirectly responding to a mother's post regarding survivors guilt.  A mother of a surviving CDH baby and when reading it it struck a cord.

Survivor's guilt.  I know its real and to escape the feeling fully is impossible, but blogging about it and publically posting it is crap and it is selfish. Plain and simple.  Its publically taking someone elses horror and bringing the focus and sympathy back to the person who hasn't lived the horror.  If you think being a survivor makes you feel like crap, how do you think the loved ones feel about actually living it?  Pretty darn bad so suck it up cupcake and stop making someone elses pain "all about you" for public sympathy.

Ok, the rant part over.  Here comes the Devil's advocate to the survivors guilt.

Life is unfair (unless you are one to believe that God has choosen a path of pain for you and you find comfort that he's testing you more than the next person...which I don't fully understand the reasoning behind but I believe I posted my thoughts on the concept that "God chooses to bless some, crap on others and all the while we still individually believe he's chosen us to be the lucky one" theory.  Thats a different blog post...

Where was I?  Oh yes, life is unfair.  Those of us who have lived the crappy stuff, we know life is unfair.  We know it sucks.  If you happen to be a survivor of the same ailment that caused our own crappy times I have news for you...we don't blame you AND, most importantly you don't remind us of what we lost, that part is hard to forget and your presence isn't what may cause us to cry...its the fact that we lived a really crappy situation and THAT'S making us cry.

As a person who's lived through a crappy situation (or two) I can tell you that the only thing that annoys me more than the mother who says "maybe you just weren't meant to be a parent (which is why x,y,z all happend)" is the person who says "oh, I'm so sorry if my good fortune makes your bad fortune so much worse, but if you feel bad, imagine how bad I feel knowing I make you feel bad".  Seriously??? How did my grief, pain and problems become all about YOU!!!  (oh, wait, I said my rant was over didn't I??).

Here's the skinny. If you are a mother and your child survived while another mother's baby didn't, the best comfort you offer is a genuine "I'm sorry for your loss".  Then hold your children tight and love them with every ounce of your being and never forget how precious life is.

As mentioned previously, I know survivor guilt is real.  I know that no matter how much you try, you are going to feel how you are going to feel.  The only thing I can say it please, don't make someone elses pain all about you and don't do it publically with the potential goal of gaining sympathy (especially in a forum where those less fortunate than you may read about it).

As always, these thoughts are mine.  You don't have to agree but hey, it is my blog... 

A Full Day

Today has been a full day and tons of fun. 

It was a good day of sunshine and getting outside and taking it all in.

The biggest 1st today was that Livy got her 1st haircut!!!  Yes, she's almost 2 years and 10 months old and we finally cut some of her hair, just a little trim along the bangs but enough to tie a little ribbon around and put in a little bag for a keepsake.

She's growing incredibly fast and tomorrow we'll mark the girls heights on the wall to see how much they've grown in the last 6 months.

Payton continues to do so well and she's now a pro at pulling herself up into the standing position.  She's been playing with her little dragon walker and is also learning that a few steps means foward mortion.

Today while we were out on the lawn Payton started making progress with her standing and balance.  She stood for a good 5-6 seconds working hard to keep her balance.  Its progress that she works to keep her balance which is a good sign that she knows what she needs to do to move forward.

Happy Birthday to me

Today was a wonderful birthday (well, as wonderful as it can be when your nearing 40).

We had family all come over and celebrate it with us and we had some moments today that made it extra special.

One being that Payton is pulling herself up to a standing position (1st time in the bathtub today).  Personally I don't think she's ready to do this.  I think she's far less stable than Livy was but maybe that's because my water mark for stability is a 2.75 year old (unlike Livy where I didn't have anything to compare with).

On another note, Payton's 3rd tooth just broke through (one on top) and by all indications there's 3 more right behind.  In the next 2 weeks this baby is going to go from big gummy grin to a big toothy one.

To wrap it all up the Canucks won their 1st playoff game keeping themselves from being eliminated in the 1st round.  While I can't say that I'm overly enjoying the hockey season, at least one game won beats a clean sweep elimination.

All in the last year was good but with a few rocky moments.  We made it though and it has set us up for this next year being pretty stellar.

Here's a few photos since its been so long.  Here's a shot of the Toddler's version of Man Land being too much for Livy.  This was her 1st evening watching Aladin on her new set up.

Best Friends (for now).  Notice Livy's hair is FINALLY growing.  I fear we have the same x many years ahead with Payton as well.  Now the dilemna is whether to cut Livy's into something that's short but neat or let it continue grow albiet unevenly).

April Update

We're doing well.

April's been another busy month with the days getting longer and all of us starting to dip our toe into Spring and testing the waters as to whether we can jump in yet with both feet.  Weather on the coast teaches us to be patient but take advantage of it when we can. 

So Wilma's been out with the girls on the grass having picnics and Dwayne and I have started tackeling biking to Vancouver (or from Vancouver to Squamish) during days where the sun is shining and our shedules allow for it.

On another note, on April 11th Payton had her follow up appointment at BCCH which included a visit to the Occupational Therapist, the NeoNatal followup and Audiology. 

It was a good appointment and it was determined that Payton is right on track (in some cases ahead)with the expected development of a baby who didn't have the challenges she faced. 

We also learned that Payton's fluid in her ears has cleared and while we weren't able to test her ears individually, she passed the hearing test just fine so for all indication, it seems her hearing was due to the fluid.

Recently Payton's been progressing through her crawling stage like wild-fire. I think its one of my most favourite ages since things move so incredibly quickly.  She's just learning to mimic (and will sort of wave or clap back) and her crawling yesterday took a turn for 'the better'.  She'll now scoot on her bum for short distances to keep from committing to dropping on her tummy.

That will be short lived as yesterday, I also picked her up from her crib after a nap and she was sitting up.  Dwayne noticed she was doing the same last night and again I saw her doing it.  She's now going from lying belly down into a sitting position.  For those who aren't aware, this is the start of her pulling herself up.  Where before she didn't have many options to pull herself up now she can crawl (scoot) to an object and get into a sitting position to pull herself up.

Livy has been as entertaining as always and we're learning quickly that a 2.75 year old can be very stubbron and clever.  She's already getting a 'no' from one parent and going to the next one asking the same question (or to Wilma if she's in the vicinity).

We're also one step closer to finishing "Man's Land" for toddlers and we have the small TV mounted in the play room so the girls can watch movies there and we can have less Muppets and Princesses' on our main TV.

We also bought Livy a peddle bike last week.  We took her out riding and thus far she needs a lot of work but we're trying.  I think physically she is able to do it but mentally its a challenge (a lot for a 2-year old brain to process) especially since Dwayne took off the training wheels before she even got on it, so she doesn't even have the practice of turning the pedals before we cut her loose.

All in all our little family is doing well and we're so incredibly excited for summer (well I am anyway)!!!