Well, its sort of official...we've moved from being PUPO to P (for those of you who have a bad memory, pregnant until proven otherwise to pregnant).
Today I tested postive on a home pregnancy test (HTP). Now before I go much further its worth saying I've been testing postive for the last 3 days now. The problem is that lovely HCG trigger shot I took on November 17th, well that shot contains the pregnancy hormone that within an hour of giving me the shot will cause me to test positive on a HTP. Unfortunately it can take up to 2 weeks for that hormone to leave my system. Fortunately, I have previous experience with that shot and I know that previously, at 9 days after the shot I no longer have that artifical hormone in my body therefore any possible positive pregnancy test is because indeed I am pregnant.
Today is 11 days past so I know from experience that the artificial homorne is gone. Despite that, I haven't actually had a negative test in the last 3 days so while I was cautiously optimistic yesterday and the day before, today I'm 100% confident that my postive pregnancy test is accurate.
Now the fear sets in. When pregnant with the two boys, the earliest I tested positive was 10 days past conception. Today, we're only 9 days past so I'm showing an earlier postive then when both embryos implanted. So, I'm a bit afraid that we're carrying two again. Dwayne's adament that we should cross that bridge when we get to it - I realize that we have not choice so I'm willing to go along with it. I mean, what else can I do...
Still, very happy that we have another shot at this...we just need to stay pregnant longer than 24 weeks this time.
90% fear and 10% hope
Friday, November 28, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
November 23, 2008 - 2 weeks 4 days
Well, our embryos have made it and as hoped, taking them to day 5 has allowed us to know which 2 are the stronger ones.
Though only one has reached the blastocyst stage, we have another healthy looking morula that our RE will transfer with the 'good looking' blastocyst.
For anyone who really cares how IVF works, for the record, when they place the embryos inside my uterus its not called implantation. Its called a transfer. The embryos are transferred from a petri dish into my uterus. The actual act of implantation doesn't occur for another day or two (or as in the case of a late bloomer such as our morula, maybe another 3 days).
Thus, we have two very much loved embyros transfered today. As usual, this is typically my biggest stress (leading up to transfer) since I'm such a poor responder and our embryos are always marginal for quality. Getting to a day 5 transfer is the hard part.
Now the 2 week wait. For some this is the hardest part. For me, its one of the easiest. I've learned from my previous cycles that getting pregnant is the "easy" part (said with tongue in cheek with a healthy dose of envy for those who just have to have sex to get pregnant).
Its staying pregnant that I'm finding I fail at miserably but hopefully the doctors are right.
That's its not me, just my bad luck.
Though only one has reached the blastocyst stage, we have another healthy looking morula that our RE will transfer with the 'good looking' blastocyst.
For anyone who really cares how IVF works, for the record, when they place the embryos inside my uterus its not called implantation. Its called a transfer. The embryos are transferred from a petri dish into my uterus. The actual act of implantation doesn't occur for another day or two (or as in the case of a late bloomer such as our morula, maybe another 3 days).
Thus, we have two very much loved embyros transfered today. As usual, this is typically my biggest stress (leading up to transfer) since I'm such a poor responder and our embryos are always marginal for quality. Getting to a day 5 transfer is the hard part.
Now the 2 week wait. For some this is the hardest part. For me, its one of the easiest. I've learned from my previous cycles that getting pregnant is the "easy" part (said with tongue in cheek with a healthy dose of envy for those who just have to have sex to get pregnant).
Its staying pregnant that I'm finding I fail at miserably but hopefully the doctors are right.
That's its not me, just my bad luck.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
November 22, 2008 - 2 weeks 3 days
We've been receiving daily updates on our embryos since egg retrieval.
In the end we had 7 eggs that fertilized. By day 2 it was determined that 6 embryos were still growing. 3 were at a standard 4-cell while the other 3 were slower at 2-cells.
Typically, when there's a low number of embryos to choose from clinics often put back the embryos as early as possible (ie day 3 after retrieval). Thus, we anticipated because of our poor numbers/quality on day 2, we'd be doing another day 3 transfer (keeping in mind all our day 3 transfers have thus far been unsuccessful).
Well, we got the call in the morning on day 3 from the embryologist. The 3 strongest embryos were all doing well and they wanted to take them to day 5. Since it was such a small number of embryos, they wanted to ensure we were on board with it. Since they only transfer 2 maximum, waiting two more days gives us a much better idea which embryos are the strongest/healthiest.
Keeping in mind that statistically 50% of the embryos die between day 3 and day 5 that means we'd be possibly looking at 1 or 2 of the stronger ones making it. We've been here before. Our pregnancy with the boys started off with us making the stressful decision to take 3 embryos to day 5. The fact that our only successful cycle (despite their early loss) resulted from a day 5 transfer is the number 1 deciding factor for us to risk it again.
Big breath...we're holding out till day 5. I can't begin to describe the deep seated fear that comes with making this decision.
In the end we had 7 eggs that fertilized. By day 2 it was determined that 6 embryos were still growing. 3 were at a standard 4-cell while the other 3 were slower at 2-cells.
Typically, when there's a low number of embryos to choose from clinics often put back the embryos as early as possible (ie day 3 after retrieval). Thus, we anticipated because of our poor numbers/quality on day 2, we'd be doing another day 3 transfer (keeping in mind all our day 3 transfers have thus far been unsuccessful).
Well, we got the call in the morning on day 3 from the embryologist. The 3 strongest embryos were all doing well and they wanted to take them to day 5. Since it was such a small number of embryos, they wanted to ensure we were on board with it. Since they only transfer 2 maximum, waiting two more days gives us a much better idea which embryos are the strongest/healthiest.
Keeping in mind that statistically 50% of the embryos die between day 3 and day 5 that means we'd be possibly looking at 1 or 2 of the stronger ones making it. We've been here before. Our pregnancy with the boys started off with us making the stressful decision to take 3 embryos to day 5. The fact that our only successful cycle (despite their early loss) resulted from a day 5 transfer is the number 1 deciding factor for us to risk it again.
Big breath...we're holding out till day 5. I can't begin to describe the deep seated fear that comes with making this decision.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
November 19, 2008 - 2 weeks
Today is egg retrieval day.
That means we are officially 2 weeks PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).
The procedure includes taking a long needle and inserting it into my ovaries. The RE will then aspirate each follicle with the hopes of pulling a mature egg out of each follicle.
From there, they will determine how many are mature and of good quality for ICSI. A procedure where they inject one sperm into each egg.
In total they retrieved 10 eggs and after inspection it was determined that we had 8 mature eggs for possible fertilization.
This has been the most mature eggs we've ever had in our previous 4 cycles so we're pretty pleased.
95% fear and 5% hope.
That means we are officially 2 weeks PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise).
The procedure includes taking a long needle and inserting it into my ovaries. The RE will then aspirate each follicle with the hopes of pulling a mature egg out of each follicle.
From there, they will determine how many are mature and of good quality for ICSI. A procedure where they inject one sperm into each egg.
In total they retrieved 10 eggs and after inspection it was determined that we had 8 mature eggs for possible fertilization.
This has been the most mature eggs we've ever had in our previous 4 cycles so we're pretty pleased.
95% fear and 5% hope.
Monday, November 17, 2008
November 17, 2008 - 1 week and 5 days
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Ok, so we're officially on day 12. I've never stimmed this long before and fortunately today's ultrasound confirmed that today's the day.
We're sitting on 12 follicles (2 more popped up) though a number of those are fairly small. From a best guestimate we should be looking at a minimum 8 (though I can always hope for more).
We have a number of small ones still but since egg retrival is still 2 days away, there's always the chance that one or two will catch up. On the other side, we have 2 homungous ones that dominate my left ovary. If it didn't represent such a sad state of my fertility I would be (and secretely still am) very amazed at the science of it all. VERY COOL (I just wish it wasn't my money paying for this experiement).
Tonight we trigger. We administer a shot of HCG which in turn matures the eggs encased in the follicles. The RE will retrieve the eggs 36 hours after I adminster the HCG using a very large needle.
Yes, it sounds dramatic and it is. It f$&king hurts like the dickens which is why they actually offer you the option of being completely put out for the proceedure.
Instead I'm taking the anestetic that makes me feel drunk. I like the "I'm partying" feeling it gives me (since I don't get sex out of this conception I may as well get the drunk feeling).
Ok, so we're officially on day 12. I've never stimmed this long before and fortunately today's ultrasound confirmed that today's the day.
We're sitting on 12 follicles (2 more popped up) though a number of those are fairly small. From a best guestimate we should be looking at a minimum 8 (though I can always hope for more).
We have a number of small ones still but since egg retrival is still 2 days away, there's always the chance that one or two will catch up. On the other side, we have 2 homungous ones that dominate my left ovary. If it didn't represent such a sad state of my fertility I would be (and secretely still am) very amazed at the science of it all. VERY COOL (I just wish it wasn't my money paying for this experiement).
Tonight we trigger. We administer a shot of HCG which in turn matures the eggs encased in the follicles. The RE will retrieve the eggs 36 hours after I adminster the HCG using a very large needle.
Yes, it sounds dramatic and it is. It f$&king hurts like the dickens which is why they actually offer you the option of being completely put out for the proceedure.
Instead I'm taking the anestetic that makes me feel drunk. I like the "I'm partying" feeling it gives me (since I don't get sex out of this conception I may as well get the drunk feeling).
Saturday, November 15, 2008
November 15, 2008 - 1 week 3 days
On previous cycles I would have a very good chance of triggering today. But alas, this cycle isn't like my last 3. Nope, instead of having follicles measuring in a close size range, we have a huge scatter of follicles from 0.6 mm up to 20 mm.
Our RE feels that sacrificing the top two follicles (around 20 mm) will help add more to the mid range. We're happy to go along with further stimming. Triggering after 10 days of stims previously hasn't worked for us so adding a day or two can't hurt right??
Our RE feels that sacrificing the top two follicles (around 20 mm) will help add more to the mid range. We're happy to go along with further stimming. Triggering after 10 days of stims previously hasn't worked for us so adding a day or two can't hurt right??
Thursday, November 13, 2008
November 13, 2008 - 1 week, 1 day
Uggh, nothing goes right!!!
We basically have follicles all over the map here. Seems we have about 10 that they can see with the ultrasound (which sounds GREAT). But, 3 are getting pretty big, another 3 are right in the middle and then about 4 are pretty small.
Typically the only follicles that will produce a healthy (usable) egg will be those measuring from 14mm up to 20 mm.
Any smaller they'll be immature. Any bigger they start to disintegrate.
Alas, no change to our meds and we continue to plug along.
We basically have follicles all over the map here. Seems we have about 10 that they can see with the ultrasound (which sounds GREAT). But, 3 are getting pretty big, another 3 are right in the middle and then about 4 are pretty small.
Typically the only follicles that will produce a healthy (usable) egg will be those measuring from 14mm up to 20 mm.
Any smaller they'll be immature. Any bigger they start to disintegrate.
Alas, no change to our meds and we continue to plug along.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
November 11, 2008 - 0 weeks, 6 days
Well, its our first ultrasound since the baseline and today we get a very good idea as to how many of those AFC's are actually growing.
The end result, we have 3 that seem to be growing well while the rest are slowly straggling. Not good news by any stretch but our history is such that we have low expectations at this stage.
So, we just take it in stride.
Today maybe more like 99.5% fear and 0.5% hope.
The end result, we have 3 that seem to be growing well while the rest are slowly straggling. Not good news by any stretch but our history is such that we have low expectations at this stage.
So, we just take it in stride.
Today maybe more like 99.5% fear and 0.5% hope.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
November 6, 2008 - 0 weeks, 1 day
Well, today is baseline.
What that means is we'll do blood work where they'll test to ensure all my hormone levels are properly supressed and then they'll take a look at my ovaries via ultrasound to ensure I don't have any cysts as well as doing an Anterior Follicle Count (AFC). Its the RE's way of guess-ti-mating how many follicles I may have growing in the next few weeks.
Our official AFC count is 8 this cycle. Not my best but certainly not my worst so I'm not going to complain (for the record, the average # for my age is typically 15-20 so we're definitely on the low end...still we know from previous cycles that our response is always very low relative to the average).
Blood work looks good and off we go starting our 3 nightly injections tonight. YAY
By the way, normally women have their husbands do the shots to them. I'm not sure why they do that since Dwayne is very shaky with a needle and the first time he did it, it hurt to holy hell. But I loved him enough to keep my opinions to myself. Still, I love myself enough that he was demoted to providing comical support.
What that means is we'll do blood work where they'll test to ensure all my hormone levels are properly supressed and then they'll take a look at my ovaries via ultrasound to ensure I don't have any cysts as well as doing an Anterior Follicle Count (AFC). Its the RE's way of guess-ti-mating how many follicles I may have growing in the next few weeks.
Our official AFC count is 8 this cycle. Not my best but certainly not my worst so I'm not going to complain (for the record, the average # for my age is typically 15-20 so we're definitely on the low end...still we know from previous cycles that our response is always very low relative to the average).
Blood work looks good and off we go starting our 3 nightly injections tonight. YAY
By the way, normally women have their husbands do the shots to them. I'm not sure why they do that since Dwayne is very shaky with a needle and the first time he did it, it hurt to holy hell. But I loved him enough to keep my opinions to myself. Still, I love myself enough that he was demoted to providing comical support.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
November 5, 2008 - Day 0 (0 weeks, 0 days pregnant)
Well, its day 0 again. Actually, I've had to come back and add the right date for day 0 since with IVF its really a crap shoot as to when conception will actually occur.
For example, we won't actually start our stim shots until tomorrow which in hindsight means we'll be on the meds for much longer this cycle than usually (usually its only 10 days this time 12).
In the meantime I'm entertaining myself with my small little lupron shots that suppress my whole system. They give you wicked hangover type headaches without the joy of the drunk the night before.
Still, today we officially kick off our 4th IVF cycle (and 'pregnancy') with 99% fear and 1% hope.
For example, we won't actually start our stim shots until tomorrow which in hindsight means we'll be on the meds for much longer this cycle than usually (usually its only 10 days this time 12).
In the meantime I'm entertaining myself with my small little lupron shots that suppress my whole system. They give you wicked hangover type headaches without the joy of the drunk the night before.
Still, today we officially kick off our 4th IVF cycle (and 'pregnancy') with 99% fear and 1% hope.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
It's been a while...
Well, its been a while since my last post. Almost a year now and while I can't say the last year of healing has been easy, I can say that I'm very glad to be looking at the last days of 2008.
In a nut shell the year following our loss brought with it more joy and pain once again.
In April 2008 we went through another IVF cycle which resulted in once again a pregnancy. An ultrasound at 8 weeks showed a healthy heartbeat with a singleton. We were elated and somewhat relieved. Once a heartbeat is seen, the miscarriage rate technically drops to less than 5%.
But as is always our luck, we fell into that small percentile (on the wrong side again) and our joy was short lived when a follow up ultrasound at 10 weeks showed the baby's heart had stopped beating (less than 5% miscarriage rate after a heart beat is detected).
This loss certainly wasn't as hard as the loss of the boys but it did bring up so many memories and fears of whether our dreams to become parents would ever been realized.
The months following that loss have been difficult but beautiful in many ways. I've started seeing the beauty in our lives once again beginning with the amazing husband I have. As I look at so many families around me I know I wouldn't trade what I have for anything and I feel blessed just knowing that the person I choose to be my family completes that roll so completely.
As follow up to our pPROM pregnancy loss, there has really been no straight answer from the doctors other than "bad luck". Yup, you heard it...two separate doctors that have reviewed our file have deemed our loss as bad luck. Not the type of comfort your looking for when your spending your retirement savings on trying to get pregnant again and wondering if your body will be able to carry a pregnancy to term. It would be nice though to know when that bad luck is planning on ending...
In a nut shell the year following our loss brought with it more joy and pain once again.
In April 2008 we went through another IVF cycle which resulted in once again a pregnancy. An ultrasound at 8 weeks showed a healthy heartbeat with a singleton. We were elated and somewhat relieved. Once a heartbeat is seen, the miscarriage rate technically drops to less than 5%.
But as is always our luck, we fell into that small percentile (on the wrong side again) and our joy was short lived when a follow up ultrasound at 10 weeks showed the baby's heart had stopped beating (less than 5% miscarriage rate after a heart beat is detected).
This loss certainly wasn't as hard as the loss of the boys but it did bring up so many memories and fears of whether our dreams to become parents would ever been realized.
The months following that loss have been difficult but beautiful in many ways. I've started seeing the beauty in our lives once again beginning with the amazing husband I have. As I look at so many families around me I know I wouldn't trade what I have for anything and I feel blessed just knowing that the person I choose to be my family completes that roll so completely.
As follow up to our pPROM pregnancy loss, there has really been no straight answer from the doctors other than "bad luck". Yup, you heard it...two separate doctors that have reviewed our file have deemed our loss as bad luck. Not the type of comfort your looking for when your spending your retirement savings on trying to get pregnant again and wondering if your body will be able to carry a pregnancy to term. It would be nice though to know when that bad luck is planning on ending...
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